DESIRE is the second album in my DEVOTION trilogy. I've been working on it for close to 3 years now and it has gone through so many revisions in that time. If you had read my other letters, I trashed the concept I had for this album in 2017 and released half of it in the form of LNR_[02]. It didn't live up to my expectations at the time. I've always struggled with self-acceptance and confidence issues and it was at an all time low for me at that point. This album has been weighing on my shoulders for all of those 2 1/2 years. It hung over me like a dark cloud because every time I thought about it or spoke about it, I treated it like it was the one that was going to blow me up. "This time for sure.." "It'll definitely get me there.." All toxic thoughts. Thoughts I couldn't even view as toxic because I had lost myself in my work and expectations. So the album is a story of self-hate and of self-growth. A reflection of self-doubt and dealing with all of the negative emotions that have come with the disappointment I have been feeling for the past two years. A battle against the feeling of always coming up short and an introspective study on my obsession with a past I can't change and the fear of a future I don't know.
The album reflects on the nature of desire and the Zen Buddhist principle of how attachment is the root of all suffering, especially when it comes to personal goals and past relationships. It deals with sexual desire, career desire, materialistic desire, emotional desire, and a wide range of other desires. I use my music to confront my own selfish desires and the dichotomy it carries in everyday life. I also investigate the theme of desire in the context of my own religious faith, not only of Zen, but confronting and challenging Christian themes and ideas which are woven throughout the record. The struggle with my own dichotomy of striving to be humble, yet wanting to be best/the center of attention (when it comes to my music). Striving to be non-materialistic, yet wanting to buy nearly every VST and synthesizer I come across or wanting to buy Balenciaga or CDG clothing. Striving to be saintly yet embody all of the seven sins as I am so jealous, proud, lustful, etc. towards so many things. Alan Watts said that Christianity has made guilt a virtue, and whatever your thoughts of Alan Watts (i.e. entertainer vs philosopher) I think it's an interesting point. The guilt I feel for wanting all of these things when I was raised Christian extends itself into so many other aspects of my life. Aspects that I can't speak about at the moment out of respect for personal and familial relationships. But I guess all of this is just the nature of being human.
I know the album is messy and there are like five different genres running throughout it but I wanted it to be representative of the information era we live in. The Internet has erased the lines between genres and I wanted to showcase that. A long time ago, I wanted to split off my different music personalities into different monikers: one for my lofi work (kira hachi), one for my electronic/future work (mine.), one for my indie rock work, etc. etc. and maybe I will do it further down the road but first I wanted to establish my sound. As imperfect and varied as it is. I was afraid of my voice. Both spiritually and literally. This album reflects me finding my voice in my music and treating as I would a synthesizer or new instrument I just picked up. I know my voice is trash so forgive me but hopefully the autotune softens the blow a little bit, and in general singing the lyrics I wrote on Purity, EOS, and GOH was a cathartic act and something I knew that I had to do. I had to prove to myself that I had the confidence to sing my own lyrics again.
One of the biggest inspirations for the album was my trip to Japan with my friends. It was a dream come true and I'm infinitely grateful for the opportunity to go. Learning about the culture and tasting the cuisine was incredible. Hiking through Fushimi Inari and wandering through teamLab served as the foundation of the album's aesthetic. I brought my Tascam DR-05 with me too so a lot of the foley noises I recorded in various streets and shops are actually littered throughout the album. The album cover was shot by my friend Tanner on my iphone in front of the Gundam Unicorn Statue in Diver City. It may have not been super inventive, but the photo just meant a lot to me when I saw it. The original cover I had planned was a little more reflective of the album's central themes so I'll probably re-shoot it for v2..
Of course a lot of other things influenced this record as well. Music artists (Jamie XX, Erykah Badu, Jay Alpha, Lovibe, Cosmo Pyke, Mount Eerie, Drwn., Thundercat, Flying Lotus, Sleepy Eyes, Migos, Drake, Wu Tang, Future, Odd Future, Tyler The Creator, DEAN, Jang Yoon Ju, Crush, Kaytranada, Kendrick Lamar, Playboi Carti, Lil Uzi Vert, Lovewave, Amerie, Hatsune Miku, Tuamie, clipping., The Smiths, Cassie, Robert Glasper, John Coltrane, Brand New, Charles Earland, NxxxxxS, Louis Culture, yiigaa, Ledisi, Yusef Lateef, Booba, Aaliyah, Frank Ocean, Nottz, The Beatles, Larry Young, Porter Robinson, Timbaland, Yung Hurn, Umru, PC Music, 100 gecs, Ricky Eat Acid, Slim Thug, Brian Wilson, Sam Gellaitry, ASAP Ferg, Pimp C, Three Six Mafia, Melrose, Hiroshi Sato, Kool Kollie, Hiromasa Suzuki, New Order, Bobbi Humphrey, Yung Sherman, Yung Gud, Godspeed You! Black Emperor, Ross From Friends, Mallgrab, Clams Casino, Hiroshi yoshimura, King Krule, NERD, Metro Boomin, Julien Baker, Phoebe Bridgers, Sufjan Stevens, Soccer Mommy, Jpeg Mafia, Burial, Instupendo, Snail Mail, Beach House, LLLL, Meishi Smile, Prince, Blink 182, Cute Is What We Aim For, Larry Heard, Hans Zimmer, Kate Bush, Joy Division, American Football, Jordy, Pandi, Gesaffelstein, Young Thug), Anime (Orange, Anohana, Clannad, My Hero Academia, Little Witch Academia, Toradora!, Tsuredure Children, Tsukigakirei, erased, reLife, Your Lie In April, Konosuba 2, Darling in the Franxx, Violet Evergarden, Seven Deadly Sins, Hunter x Hunter, Rascal Does Not Dream of Bunny Girl Senpai, The Promised Neverland, Love Is War, Perfect Blue, Mob Psycho II, Fruits Basket, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Demon Slayer, Boruto NG), TV shows (Star Wars Clone Wars, Skins, FLCL, The OC, Seinfeld, A Series of Unfortunate Events, Legion FX, The Simpsons, Hot Ones, Chefs Table, Twin Peaks, Master of None, Game of Thrones, Smallville, Stranger Things, Futurama, Great British Baking Show), Movies (La La Land, Whiplash, Moonrise Kingdom, Kimi no Na Wa, Mulholland Drive, The Holy Mountain, 2001 A Space Odyssey, Guardians of the Galaxy 2, Thor Ragnarok, Suspiria, Bladerunner 2049, Baby Driver), Genres (Funk, Jazz Fusion, Ambient, Glitch Pop, House, Future, Houston/Memphis Rap, Lofi House), Artists (Nobumichi Asai, Postures by Bloc Studios, Steve Harrington, Zach Lieberman, Julian Klincewicz, Grace Ahlbom, Ruff Mercy, Parallel Teeth, Timothy Curtis, Takashi Murakami, Johfra Bosschart), Directors (David Lynch, Stanley Kubrick, Alejandro Jodorowsky), Fashion houses (CDG, Kith, Kaws, Balmain, Balenciaga, Off White, Chanel), Designers (Rye Decker, Virgil Abloh, Rei Kawakubo, Issey Miyake), and authors like Haruki Murakami, J.D. Salinger, and George Saunders.
It's weird, I feel like now that I'm finally here I could write dozens of pages about this album but honestly I think just listening to the music and reading the liner notes with it will give the listener much more clarity than any of my rambling can lmao. So finally I just want to thank everyone who helped inspire me and make the album. Thank you to my family who has always supported me and to my close friends. Shouts to yiigaa and Louis Culture for killing the features, shouts to Ben for letting me bounce ideas off him, shouts to Steve, Rob, and Russ for always being supportive and inspiring me with their work, shouts to Aidan for putting in the work in the community (shout out
reddit.com/r/prodbykillerbee) and thanks to everyone who has ever reached out about my music. Finally, thanks to all my fans, you're the reason I do this. I'm psyched this album is out, this feels like a dream. I hope the album does too <3
- Bee
released September 27, 2019
Production Credits:
All songs produced, mixed, and mastered by Killer Bee (unless otherwise stated).
All lyrics written by Killer Bee.
All instruments played by Killer Bee (unless otherwise stated).
Released in high-fidelity by GRNDPRX© 2019
Liner Notes V1
1. DESTINY (feat. Hatsune Miku)
Features vocals by Hatsune Miku and Killer Bee. Contains elements of: "Skins" by Bryan Elsley and Jamie Brittain. "Moonrise Kingdom" by Wes Anderson.
Notes: This song is a culmination of all I've been feeling for the past two years. All my insecurities, my self hate, obsession, and despair..I'm tired of being a fuck up. I feel like I always make the wrong decisions and that nothing works out for me. How much disappointment can a person take before they break? The first four lines are about this amazing girl I met. She was so nice and she accepted me for who I was and I destroyed it. It was an accident but it ruined me. She won't talk to me now and I feel awful about what happened. I pray that I just become a memory to her that eventually fades away so she can't even remember my name or face. That's how I felt, I wanted to disappear. I stopped going into the city as often and I became consumed by my music. I left it at that. I didn't want to say more about it because I just want her to forget about me.
The second half is about my ex who I've talked about on previous albums. The verse is just a projection of my own insecurities. I had a nightmare she didn't love me anymore and it was pathetic that it freaked me out. I wanted to confront my own toxic and selfish desires. I want her to dream of me because I'm the one that still dreams about her all the time. "Walking on the dead sea" refers to being so completely wrapped up in a relationship that you perceive your significant other as a god. "So why can't anyone compare to you?" — the truth is, she's my standard. I'm projecting, wishing that I am still the boy she compares her new boyfriends to. The whole song is cathartic and I think I'm doing a little better every day.. I just want them to be happy more than anything.
Lyrics:
Baby I'm a fuck up and you learned the hard way
Pray I become a memory that fades away
So you'll never have to think of me
So you'll never have to see my face
How much disappointment can I take?
If I asked would you stay? Because..
I'm pathetic, I swear if you let me go I'd break
The only thing stopping us now is the pain
I want you to dream of me each night
I want to haunt your memories
I want you to taste me in every boy that you kiss
And you ache for my touch after every fuck
I want your blonde hair everywhere to wash over me
Cause I'm the salt and you're walking on the dead sea
Face it baby I'm the standard and you know it's true
So why can't anyone compare to you?
So why can't anyone compare to you?
God knows that I can't let you go
Can I let you go?
Can't I let you go?
Can't I let you go?
Why can't I let you go?
Can I let you go?
7 years alone..
Thought I'd let you know
Can I let you go?
Can I let you go?
Why can't I let you-
2. DISTURBIA
Contains elements of: "All I Have" by Amerie. "Turn Up the Heat" by Mass Appeal featuring Denzel Curry. "Are U That Somebody" by Aaliyah featuring Timbaland. "Part IX" by Nils Frahm. Instagram video by Nottz (@nottzdaruler). "Self Control" by Frank Ocean. "15 ends" by clipping. "La Banlieu" by Booba. "Blue Valentine" by Derek Cianfrance.
Notes: This is one of my favorite songs that I've made. It features a bunch of legends and inspirations. Shout out to Amerie, Timbaland, Denzel, Nils Frahm, Nottz, Frank, clipping. and RIP to Aaliyah. The title is a nod to the Shia Labeouf movie by the same name. It represents the feeling of cabin fever/feeling of being trapped I've felt since graduating and devoting myself to my music. Locking myself in my studio for 10+ hours a day and barely leaving the house, even on weekends. The lyrics of Amerie's chop "We both / You said" is also in line with the album's overall sense of longing and nostalgia. As well as Frank's line "Keep a place for me.." The "all i have" chop/lyric by Amerie also spoke to me. Just giving this all I have, dedicating 100% of me into this album. I'm exhausted. Feeling like it's never enough even after giving them all I have. The ending sample is from "Blue Valentine" and Ryan Gosling's character's discussion regarding love at first sight/expectations fits into the theme of the album. Feeling like you have known the person for a long time when you really don't. You tell yourself that because you wish with all your heart that it will work out.
3. AFTERLIFE
Contains elements of: "Is This All?" by Bobbi Humphrey. "Desiigner freestyles on Flex" by HOT 97. "Work Work" by clipping featuring Cocc Pistol Cree. "Kamuyamatoiwarehiko" by Hiromasa Suzuki. "Magnolia" by Playboi Carti.
Notes: I'm a huge fan of Bobbi Humphrey and her 'Satin Doll' album. She's still killing it today. I grew up listening to Funk Flex in high school and I always enjoyed his weekend mixes where he would just growl into the microphone. He inspired me to use the explosion DJ sound effect during my sets. His recent interview with Tyler is also gold. The toms that rumble in the background are from Hiromasa Suzuki so shout out to him and the whole 70s Japanese jazz scene which has been hugely influential for my music. I'm also a big fan of clipping. and their whole sound/production. I wanted the ending of Daveed's verse to act as a sort of transition in the album, as if it is the end of Act I. I wanted to re-emphasize the song's message regarding police brutality and unjust killings towards African Americans and minorities in the US by having the character be shot to death in the track and abruptly ending the section. Then after a brief pause, the radio scans for the next "hit." I wanted to represent society's short attention span when it comes to serious national issues: the militarization of the police, targeting of minorities, the horrible conditions undocumented immigrants are kept in, and mass shootings. Our tendency to forget a tragedy by next week is propogated by the media's "flavor of the week" style reporting and in general the amount of information people consume daily. It seems that there are too many tragedies to keep track of but it's important that we call these injustices out when we see them. The track then evolves into a chaotic and almost bebop-like cantor as a nod to Bobbi and Hiromasa and all my jazz influences and as a way to represent the concept of an afterlife.
4. GATE x OF x HEAVEN
Features Christopher Robin on bass guitar. Mastered by Gethin John. Contains elements of: "Hold Up" by Kool Kollie. "Rascal Does Not Dream of Bunny Girl Senpai" by Hajime Kamoshida and Cloverworks.
Notes: The x's in the song titles are a nod to Hunter x Hunter which I saw this past year and has become one of my favorite animes. The song is a tribute to post punk bands like New Order and the inflection in my voice is a nod to The Smiths (disregarding all of Morrissey's current bs). The song revolves a message of desparation and heartbreak. I felt like my life was "spinning out of control" and I was wishing for this girl to save me. I like blurring the line between man/God, another instance of putting a girl on a pedastal as to suggest she has some higher power that can absolve me of my sins and fundamentally fix me. I then ask "Are you alone?" having my jealousy as a human take center stage and strip away any divine imagery, suggesting that we are nothing more than mortals flying through space on a rock thousands of miles an hour yet still obsessed with something so Earthly and singular - a woman's love and jealousy towards her new lover. And even when I ask the question, I don't want to know the answer because I know it'll wound me. Yet I still ask it. Why? I'm not sure, maybe because I think I deserve the pain. Or testing if there is still pain.. like putting your hand on a stove.
Desire plays a central theme in the song as well, specifically the Buddhist principle that attachment is the root of all suffering. I'm holding onto past memories which causes suffering. Anyway it's a dichotomy that I struggle with all the time. How can I balance my mortal/divine self? I struggle with my own sense of materialistic desires. I hate that I want more money, but with more money I can make better art and provide for my family. How can one balance ambition/arrogance? Divinity and humility? The theme shows up in Christianity as well - all the 7 deadily sins can be traced back to the ego/Desire being the root issue: wrath ("I desire to inflict pain"), pride ("I desire to save face"), envy ("I desire what they have"), etc. Joan of Arc is a badass and I wanted to invoke her strength to resist thinking about this girl which was eating me alive. She died an awful death but Joan of Arc was many things for many people - a saint, a feminist, a war hero. But a complex human like anyone else. I called the song "Gate of Heaven" because that is one of the Virgin Mary's titles in her litany. Being Mexican, I've always felt a strong connection to Mary. One can find the "Virgen de Guadalupe" imagery throughout the country and I'm just asking her to guide me in this line, as I might text/call this girl I'm thinking about. The chorus centers around the theme of climate change, and comparing earth to the Garden of Eden. It's an extremely urgent issue that many politicians in the US are not taking seriously or outright denying, including the moron in office right now. Millions of people will be displaced and killed if we don't allocate the necessary funds. We must protect the most vulnerable in our society, as climate change directly affects the impoverished not to mention destroying natural habitats and threaten endagered species. Please consider donating to advocacy groups such as the EDF (
www.edf.org). The line blurs again when I suggest that the girl is a divine being, akin to Eve in the Garden, and how I treated that relationship - as if it were perfect/holy. The last time I saw her she was in her family's van. Her eyes were pools of caramel and I confessed I still loved her. She cried because I think she knew that it'll never be the same. You can't regain that period of our lives, we're different people now. "I don't recognize myself anymore". And yet I still wanted her to take me back. I was weak and I gave into my desires. People are ex's for a reason. The last
stanza deals with not knowing what you had until it's gone. I realized I wasted so much time arguing with her over the pettiest things. I acted like a brat for so long and I wanted to reinforce the "petulant child" imagery by repeating "mine" over and over again like a spoiled child.
Lyrics:
Save my soul
'Cause my life is spinning out of control
"Are you alone?"
Oh don't answer, there are things I don't need to know
All these things I know
It's only you on my mind tonight
Joan of Arc lend me your strength
'Cause these memories are burning me alive
I guess that's why they call them dreams
They'll never exist in reality
Mother Mary please watch over me
'Cause I'm about to do something obscene
I'm dying without you by my side tonight
And when Earth kills us I'll miss you from the afterlife
In the garden you looked divine
Tonight, tonight, tonight
Have you forgotten about me?
Will you bring me up to all the English lads you meet?
At a pub or a fucking discotec
I'm in love and when I wake up I'm a wreck
Pull up to my house in your family's van
Pools of caramel as I hold your hand
Isn't this what you wanted from me?
A zombie boy begging on his knees
"Take me back please"
Won't you take me back please?
Oh please
Pretty please
Pretty please
You dodged a bullet babe
I'm a lush and I can't behave
I've got nothing on my mind
And my soul won't be saved
Gate of Heaven, please watch over me
'Cause I'm about to do something naive
I'm dying without you by my side tonight
And when Earth kills us I'll miss you from the afterlife
In the garden you looked divine
Tonight, tonight, tonight
I'm sorry, this isn't me
I don't recognize myself anymore
Petulant child, age of four
Who doesn't know what he wants anymore
Wasted so much time
When were young and you were mine
When you were mine
When you were mine
When you were mine
When you were mine
When you were mine
When you were mine
When you were mine
When you were-
Mine mine mine mine
Mine mine mine mine
Mine mine mine mine
Mine
5. END x OF x SUMMER
Notes: This song is the interlude to the album and is a nod to American Football. It is sandwiched between GATE x OF x HEAVEN and HELL because it represents a descent into despair between these three tracks. "End of Summer" represents the end of an idyllic phase in your life. When you're younger, summer break meant freedom. You had all the time in the world. For me, the feeling of summer and the idyllic phase that comes to mind is a relationship that meant a lot to me. I saw her as my summer. She was bright and fiery, the complete opposite of who I am. It was a very intense relationship and it was toxic to a degree. I didn't know any better since I was so young but I wasn't even myself. I just saw myself as an extension of her. She was my everything - quite literally like the sun to me. My life revolved around her and she gave me hope. She would grow her hair out in the summer and not straighten it, so it led to it being very wild and curly.
The relationship for me was like staring at the sun for so long. When it began to fall apart, I started to see how disfunctional our relationship was and I felt like I got my sight back. I had to break up with her because I was causing her to suffer. I kept dating her out of my own insecurity and selfishness, even though I was sliding deeper into despair. I didn't want to bring her down with me because she deserved someone who was always happy to be with her. When we broke up I couldn't even facetime her because I knew if I saw her crying I would immediately break and take back my decision. Facetime = face time. I feel like with the rise of internet culture, people are obsessed with nostalgia - an imaginary time when things were better. But time is an illusion, you only experience the present. You're lying to yourself when you think of the past and for me, it only brings pain. I repeat "Can you wash me out of your clothes" take the role as a mantra/prayer. When you pray the rosary, you repeat the prayers. I began to re-read Franny and Zooey by Salinger so I wanted to impart that sense of repetition/spiritual investigation. If you say something enough times, eventually you'll say it without thinking it. The last lines are a projection because it is something that I have experienced. I'm asking her a question when I know the answer myself. I've asked that question to myself several times. It's related to the feeling of how sometimes I randomly can smell her/her shampoo around me and I wonder if she has ever experienced that as well. Finally, the last lines dig to the selfish truth. I don't want her to forget about me. I don't want to ever leave her soul. Maybe if I repeat the lines enough, she will hear.
Lyrics:
My summer ends
Take with it your hair
And those summer curls I would run my fingers through
And I keep thinking about you
All of the time
You were like sunshine
But I've regained my sight
Which one of us is better off?
Had to let you go
You're all I know
I can't facetime
Hope you run for your life
Can you wash my Chanel out of your hair?
And off of your neck?
Can you wash me out your clothes?
Can you wash me out of your clothes?
Can you wash me out of your clothes?
Can you wash me out of your clothes?
Can you wash me out your clothes?
Can you wash me out of your clothes?
Can you wash me out of your clothes?
Can you wash me out of your clothes?
Can I wash you out of my clothes?
Can I wash you out of my clothes?
Can I wash you out of my clothes?
Can I wash you out of my clothes?
I don't think so..
I don't think so…
God, I hope so..
I can't seem to get away from you
(From you..)
Can you wash me out your clothes?
Can you wash me out your soul?
Can you wash me out your soul?
Can you wash me out your soul?
Can you wash me out your soul?
Can you wash me out your soul?
Cause I can't..
I can't..seem to get away
And I think of you every day
I'm so alone
Had to go on my own
See you all the time [inaudible]
On my own..
6. HELL
Contains elements of:"Hope You're Behaving (Interlude)" by Cassie.
Notes: This song is inspired by Gesaffelstein who is a genius. I watched Mr. Bill's lecture at BPM Academy and it just opened a world of creative possibility. I was in a creative rut at the time and when he walked through how he generates ideas and combines different effects together in Ableton, it all came together. This song embodies the despair I have been feeling for quite a while now. I hit rock bottom when I ruined this girl's life and simultaneously lost my grandfather. Rock bottom is bottomless. The Cassie sample/voicemail in the middle is in line with the album's theme of obsession and heartbreak. "I just wanted to check up on you / You're not home you know? / Alright well, I miss you." Thinking about the last voicemail you left a loved one or ex or the last time you ever spoke. But in my case she moved on, she doesn't think about me anymore.
7. PURITY
Notes: I wanted to make a pop punk-style song that basically tells a story of heartbreak contrasted against a really sugary instrumental. The song is a nod to pop punk bands I grew up with like All Time Low and Cute Is What We Aim For. The auto-tuned baby voice is inspired by Playboi Carti. I wanted to make the two concepts contrast each other and form a dichotomy- on the surface it sounds like a cheery song, dense with reverb and a lush acoustic guitar, but if one reads the actual lyrics it actually paints a grim picture of an unhealthy obsession.
I wanted to portray a toxic situation with someone who is obsessed with the idea of Purity - which in this case takes the form of a twisted game of ad-libs that the listener can fill in with whatever "Purity" means to them. I wanted to paint a mindset that is so warped with obsession for this unattainable ideal, that it comes to the point where nothing means anything to that person as long as they have/had the thing they most desire. It's like a horse with blinders or a form of tunnel vision. The song is semi-auto biographical in nature, taking the opportunity to reflect on my own experiences with breaking up a toxic relationship and the unhealthy obsession of constantly thinking of who she was with. The next few lines center around me being raised Catholic as a kid yet confronting the inherent dichotomy of any faith while being human and so full of sin. I think desire is at the root of all the seven deadly sins: Wrath (I desire to hurt someone), Pride (I desire to be beautiful), Envy (I desire what that person has), etc. so its a similar concept to the Buddhist principle that desire/attachment is the root of all suffering. I then take a jab at President Trump's own disgusting policies of family separation and his administration's persecution of immigrants. I'm a proud son of Mexican immigrants and referencing back to the idea of climate change in "GATE x OF x HEAVEN", millions of people will be displaced in the upcoming years as tropical areas become uninhabitable so more funds should be properly allocated to processing immigrants humanely, not caging them and separating them from their loved ones. The US is a country of immigrants and multiculturalism make us stronger. Please consider donating to immigrant advocacy groups such as NILC (
www.nilc.org) and RAICES Texas (
raicestexas.org).
I included these lines because I didn't want the listener to be complacent just because its a sugary pop punk instrumental. I wanted it to act as a kind of sonic keisaku (a wooden stick they smack zen monks with in an effort to wake them up) and challenge my fans to pay attention to the world around them. The chorus centers around the idea of how purity is fleeting - things like your youth, idyllic old relationships, being carefree and spending the summer with your friends, etc. the good old times fly by you without warning. I wanted to present the darker side of reliving old memories and how stuck I felt in them, incapable of change even though everything and everyone around me is changing. The second verse revolves around drug abuse and seeking acceptance from people/society. Specifically, it references Greek hazing and proving that you're worth something to them no matter what the cost (e.g. even if you are in a cast from a broken arm and are on pain medication/shouldn't be drinking). I understand it I guess, I want to be accepted for my music as foolishly as a pledge because I struggle with my own self acceptance. But happiness can only come from within. The second chorus features a line from a Robert Frost poem and last stanza and outro is a nod to Freddie Mercury and his words on "Bohemian Rhapsody". It just captures how I've felt lately. All my energy is spent on creating and I'm so laser focused on the music that I don't take anything else seriously. I feel like nothing matters to me now except for the music.. which is exactly the problem.
Lyrics:
Jealousy will be the death of me
It doesn't matter because I have your Purity
You're better off without me honestly
With a house and a boyfriend and job security
It doesn't matter, I'll always have your Purity
(Doesn't matter cause you're)
Young Catholic boy with a heart full of lust and a heart full of sin
And I'm filled to the brim (to the brim..)
The president is fucking compromised
Meeting with dictators behind closed doors and telling lies
Separating families, with impunity he grabbed the country by its Purity
It won't matter much to me
To me..
As long as I have your Purity
Nothing pure can stay
And everything good goes away
Everything must change
So why does it feel seem the same?
Because Purity's got a hold on me
A girl who won't believe in love
Against the comedown who would win?
It doesn't matter, I have your clarity
Purity drips from your nose
Fun in bathroom stalls that's just the way that it goes
Rushing with a cast
Prove your Purity fast
Doesn't matter to me
I'll always have your Purity
To me..
You'll always have my Purity
Nothing gold can stay
And everything Pure goes
Everything has changed
It'll never be the same
Because..
Nothing means anything to me
And everything means nothing
It's plain to see, to see, to see..
Nothing matters to me
To me..
To me…
(As long as I have your Purity..)
8. PARKLIFE (feat. Louis Culture & yiigaa)
Features Louis Culture and yiigaa. Co-mastered by E/M. Contains elements of: "Alright" by Ledisi. "London Bridge" by Fergie.
Notes: I made this song about two years ago in anticipation of this album, and Louis had been gracious enough to bless it with a feature. Better yet, he told me he got a friend to hop on it and that's how I was introduced to yiigaa. Both of them are amazing artists and it's been a pleasure watching their growth since this song came out. I wanted to include it on the album because I wanted to represent my love for the UK on here and I wanted to speak playing at Parklife in England into existence. So big shouts to the two of them and the whole E/M movement.
9. YOURS
Contains elements of: "Random Luvly Moncton Blue(s) by Godspeed You! Black Emperor. "It's Yourz" by Wu Tang Clan. "Smallville" by Alfred Gough and Miles Millar / The CW © 2001. "This I Promise You" by d-influence featuring Shola Ama.
Notes: The song title/elements is a nod to Wu Tang/Drake. I'm also huge fan of Godspeed and their music inspires me to push my own sonic boundaries. I used to watch Smallville all the time when I was younger and I related to this conversation between Lana and Clarke. The episode centers around her doing some risky drugs/therapy in order to reconnect with her dead parents and though I made the song before my grandfather passed, it has taken on a new meaning to me in trying to reconnect with loved ones who passed. Clarke ends the conversation with an earnest sentiment - he wants her to be happy. So whether it's someone connecting with a loved one who has passed, or missing an ex, I think it speaks to a truth that is difficult to face. Underneath all the pain and jealousy (in terms of missing an ex) you just want them to be happy. I wanted to convey the delusion of seeking love in order to be whole in the context of my own possessive and materialistic feelings. The possessive pronoun of "yours" and treating people like objects. When I fall in love, I give 100% of myself - of my heart to the other person. So the "its yours" can refer to anything - my heart is yours, my soul is yours, my life, etc. etc. and this all ties back to the ego ("my") and the overall theme of desire in the album. I desire to be someone else's when in reality I'm afraid of commitment, commiting to something before my music has reached a certain level. I was listening to a lot of "Nights" by Frank Ocean when I made this so I wanted to frame the second half of the song in a similar fashion. The ending song also ties back to the overall theme of the song, giving 100% of yourself to someone else. I'm a big fan of Shola Ama and love her lyrics here: "Baby now don't you worry / I'll give you loving as sweet as honey / This I promise you".
10. KAFKA x ON x THE x SHORE
Features vocals by Hatsune Miku. Contains elements of: "Tzuredure Children" by Toshiya Wakabayashi. Lyrics from "Kafka on the Shore" by Haruki Murakami. "How Ya Do Dat" by Young Bleed. Excepts from Trippie Redd's instagram.
Notes: The title is a nod to Murakami. I'm a big fan of his writing and the surrealist/magical realism genre is a big inspiration for my music. I wanted to end the album on this track because the book basically ends with a dream and I wanted to reflect that sentiment here - was this whole album just a dream? Was it a good dream or a nightmare? "Let me know.. let me know.."
Lyrics:
"If you remember me then I don't care if everyone else forgets"
Everyone else forgets
Say you think of me
I had a nightmare that you didn't love me
Am I a memory?
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